Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Carpe DM
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep