Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
You Might Also Like
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Guys, I found it.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Spell check is for lasers.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My boss called in sick of me
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on