When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.