*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.