her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.