“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget