Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
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4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder