My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.