I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”