[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Namaste
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.