What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
what do you want!!!!!!!!
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I am HOWLING at this
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?