Storm Tropical Storm
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🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
meanwhile over on facebook
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”