*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor