Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
same bro
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
🙂🐾
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Lunatics are gonna loon.