Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
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“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook