“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Autocorrect completely socks
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve