Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
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Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
buys donuts instead
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.