I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Oh, I bet you would be
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
hmmm