Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
This fish is cracking me up
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
BETRAYAL
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it