Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week