6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.