When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
A game married people play.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it