Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format