I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
You Might Also Like
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I feel this so hard
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.