me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER