They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
found my next D&D character name
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.