Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
uh oh
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you