I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
i wish i could marry a nap
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.