nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.