I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm