The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
You Might Also Like
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
scrabbled eggs
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
#parenting
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I like long walks away from everyone
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.