Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
You Might Also Like
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
incredible book dedication
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
synchronized noseblowing
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones