Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
💯😂
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.