The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Butt weight. There’s more!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Happy Friday
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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