Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog