[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
*watches the world burn*
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone