Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
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Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.