ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
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A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Watson was Holmes schooled
Always…
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Sorry not sorry.
cause of death:
autopsy.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Any refunds available?…