i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.