You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.