Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.