Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Girl, same.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.