Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
BETRAYAL
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
No, I don’t think I will.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.