I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
philosophical skeletons be like
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Good morning.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Saturday
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.