My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.