A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.