frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
You Might Also Like
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM