I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
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You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
The prophecy is fulfilled
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
did it work
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass