[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.