I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
work smarter, not harder
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.